Edna's Guide to the Art Museum

Edna is approximately one hundred and fifteen years old, and mostly deaf. She has entirely too many elbows and knees, but only four limbs, exactly 29 remaining hairs, and no teeth whatsoever. She wears spectacles, but it is unclear how or if they help, being perpetually perched on the end of her alarmingly long nose, not in any useful spot for her bloodshot hazel eyes unless they are pointing directly down said nose. Her favorite outfit is a sea-foam green dress, short sleeved and mid-thigh (the first thigh), with cream lace on the edges and a high collar. She wears a pair of dark-raspberry-pink boots that were put on a decade or so ago, but got wet and shrunk to her feet, never to be removed. When she is feeling fancy, she carries a patent-leather purse and has her nails done the same raspberry pink. When she is feeling cold, she wears her Long Furbipede scarf; a self-attaching form of partial taxidermy done on the undying Furby of the Long Furbipede genus; keeping it fresh and fluffy and unlikely to escape, but still allowing for some leg movement, blinking, ear wiggles, and gentle whispers of the Furby language.

This is a checklist from Edna's (and Maude's) annual visit to the gift store, for the holiday cards. Not the gift store to any particular attraction, just the gifts and cards. She is quite careful to complete every step, every time.






  1. Drive to the gift shop. It's in the shopping center with the grocery store that you visit every single week.

  2. Park across a minimum of three spaces, at least one of which is handicap accessible.

  3. Run full-speed at the nearest set of glass doors. Crash into them.

  4. Watch confusedly as the automatic sliding door opens itself. Walk through the new gap.

  5. Stare, confused, around the vape and smoke shop. Ask where the greeting cards are. The gift shop is the next store to the left.

  6. Exit the vape and smoke shop. Immediately turn right, and break into a run. Stop only when the sidewalk does, after passing the deli, the liquor store, and the shipping service.

  7. Stare a minute at the brick wall at the end. Turn around. Plod back the way you came, slowly, making a big show of the lame hip or any lingering sport injury. Stare through every shop window on your way.

  8. Find the window that might have cards and ornaments, or might just be a portal to the Upside-Down. Push on the door.

  9. Stare quizzically at the paper OPEN sign at exactly eye level. Pull on the door, which says Pull.

  10. Strut into the gift shop. Ask if this is the gift shop. It is, in fact, the gift shop.

  11. Take a hard right and start with that wall. There is a display of balloons here, mostly flat-packed, next to a helium tank.

  12. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon. Touch a balloon.

  13. There are five rows of eight balloons each. Feel free to back up and touch anything again, but don't forget to touch every single one.

  14. Ask what the helium