Edna's Guide to the Art Museum

Edna is approximately one hundred and fifteen years old, and mostly deaf. She has entirely too many elbows and knees, but only four limbs, exactly 29 remaining hairs, and no teeth whatsoever. She wears spectacles, but it is unclear how or if they help, being perpetually perched on the end of her alarmingly long nose, not in any useful spot for her bloodshot hazel eyes unless they are pointing directly down said nose. Her favorite outfit is a sea-foam green dress, short sleeved and mid-thigh (the first thigh), with cream lace on the edges and a high collar. She wears a pair of dark-raspberry-pink boots that were put on a decade or so ago, but got wet and shrunk to her feet, never to be removed. When she is feeling fancy, she carries a patent-leather purse and has her nails done the same raspberry pink. When she is feeling cold, she wears her Long Furbipede scarf; a self-attaching form of partial taxidermy done on the undying Furby of the Long Furbipede genus; keeping it fresh and fluffy and unlikely to escape, but still allowing for some leg movement, blinking, ear wiggles, and gentle whispers of the Furby language.

This is a checklist from Edna's (and Maude's) monthly visit to the local art museum. She is quite careful to complete every step, every time.






  1. Take 487 pictures of yourself, your kids, and the sign out front.  Extra points if you block the way for someone who is skipping this step.

  2. Push on the door.

  3. Pull on the door.  Enter, because it says pull.

  4. Be greeted.  The greeter will explain the rules in an easy to understand manner, reading from a large, illustrated, easy to read board.  The rules are to not touch the art, and that the restrooms are in gallery one.

  5. Completely ignore the greeter.  Walk past them, the entry way is wide enough if you duck under that big sculpture.

  6. Whine that the gift shop is closed.

  7. Peer mournfully into the closed gift shop.  Read the quote printed on the wall, loudly, aloud to your entire party.  Repeat times number of party members.  Giggle.

  8. Step into gallery one.  Immediately stare at the ceiling, which is tall.

  9. Find your first piece of art.  Stare vaguely at it.

  10. At the third piece of art, point emphatically at the small dog in the bottom left corner.  Act shocked when security immediately appears to tell you not to touch the dog or the art.

  11. Ask said security guard if there is "any more information" on the gallery.  Be pointed at the tag for the art.

  12. Continue through the gallery squinting at every tag.  Whine often that they're not big enough to read from a "safe distance".  Bonus points to whine that there's "no useful information" on the tags, as artist name, lifespan, year of completion, medium, and acquisition is not enough.  Be informed that tours are free, but have to be booked.

  13. Complete gallery one.  Pass the greeter again on your way to gallery two.  Pause to stare vaguely out the front window at the giant sculpture on the lawn, that you missed with the pictures of the sign.

  14. Enter gallery two.  If you have children, ask the security guard where the children's area is.  (The children's museum is next door).  If you do not have children, demand to know where the European collection is.  (The religion and renaissance museum is down the block).  Huff, and continue into gallery two regardless of answer.

  15. Inside gallery two, immediately become aware that this is the landscape gallery, rather than the abstract gallery.  Immediately attempt to jump through the glass of the nearest ocean picture.  Act shocked when security asks you to please not do this.

  16. While giving venemous looks to the security guard, proceed to do the landscape dance.  This consists of alternating squints, hops up and down, barely contained emphatic gestures in the direction of anything that might pass for a painting of a window, and attempting to lick the glass very, very fast while the guard is blinking.

  17. Repeat this as many times as you like.  Take two or three laps.

  18. Pass the greeter again.  Stand vaguely at the entrance to gallery one.  Contemplate the high ceiling.  Contemplate the titles printed on the walls of the galleries.  Contemplate your own shoes.  Ask the greeter when the gift shop will be open (it won't).  Ask the greeter where the restrooms are (in gallery one, as stated on the sign and verbally communicated when you came in).

  19. Wander through gallery one to the restroom.  Look at some of the art on the way.  Announce that it looks vaguely familiar, as if you did not see the same art twenty minutes previously.

  20. Exit the restroom.  Return to the entrance.  Look up at the balcony of gallery three, which has been looking over gallery one this whole time.  Wave at the security guard looking down.  Ask the greeter if there is any more art.  Be directed to the clearly visible stairs between gallery one and two.

  21. Immediately go downstairs.  Become surprised when an administrator asks you to please leave the office area.

  22. Huff and puff up the entire staircase.  Eyeball the elevator with suspicion.  Proceed into gallery three.

  23. Gaze blankly off the balcony and back into gallery one.  Make sure to spend a few minutes here.  Contemplate life.  Comment that some of that art looks familiar, as if you have not seen it twice in the past half hour.

  24. Wander circles in gallery three.  There is nothing much of interest here, mostly sketches and illustrations.  Feel free to whine about the declining quality of artwork downstairs to the security guard, as to whether landscapes are boring and abstract is daring, or that abstract is indecipherable and landscapes are skilled.  Completely ignore any artwork in gallery three.

  25. Pile onto the bench inside gallery three.  Pull out phones, begin arguing how to get back to the parking lot, where to go for lunch, how to get back to the hotel, or what to do next.  Make sure to spend at least twenty minutes here.  Rack up that time.  Gotta get your money's worth of the free admission, and make sure to make that security guard extra twitchy.

  26. Finally leave.  Clatter down the stairs.  Peer forlornly into the gift shop a final time.  Take another 87 pictures, just to be safe, with the sign out front.  Attempt to climb the statue on the lawn.  Promise to come back and then do not do that.  Fly away and be free, with only your memories and the knowledge that so many others are exactly the same as you.