BAD SURVEY QUESTIONS GET BAD SURVEY ANSWERS

I HATE SURVEY CULTURE AS IT CURRENTLY EXISTS!

AND YOU COULD BE PART OF THE PROBLEM! There is a difference between performance, satisfaction, usability, loyalty, and employee charisma, that surveys are very rarely addressing.

Are you enjoying your experience? Five stars for yes! All other star ratings will get one of our employees executed! Why don't you love us? ANSWER ME!!!!!

No, I'm not enjoying the Indeed app. The algorithm keeps giving me nursing jobs. I have an art degree. The "next page" button has disappeared. I wouldn't be using ANY app for this if I didn't have to. But when I click "no" it cries. Almost literally, with a little sad face and a "what went wrong?" with no useful questions.

Did you enjoy your experience with the plumber? No! I did not! I could have fixed it but I was tired! So I paid the man $600 I didn't have and didn't find out about until fifteen minutes before the service! I hated the whole experience! But if I say that, Roberto loses a bonus. Roberto did nothing wrong. And if he had, I could have called the company myself without risking blood and cash on a four-star rating. Would I use this again? Almost definitely! The problem is gone! I just hated the process!

Would you recommend Quick Books to a friend? No! Why would I do that? I am required to use this for work. How would a friend even use it? Same with operating systems. Either you need one, or you don't. This is not an end-user question.

How was your visit today? Did you like your doctor? Well, last time I said that the nurse was nice but the doctor could use some tact, and I was called and scolded for twenty minutes by a terrifying receptionist. So I'll never answer one again, thanks. Enjoy the patient advocacy call.

Are you enjoying our mobile game? No! It has ads EVERYWHERE! It's a gacha! With an AI slop poverty porn story tucked in it! It sucks! I am here because I'm making $5 from a promotion!

This is only half the problem. THE SURVEYS THEMSELVES ARE STUPID. Both the rating ones and the ones for money. They're asking the wrong questions, taking inefficient answers, and generally all the same yet completely unhelpful.

Would you buy this again? Yes, if I needed a toilet seat. I am hopefully not going to need another toilet seat any time soon, and if I need it too soon, then I would buy a different one.

Which of these brands have you heard of? Very obviously the one that runs an ad every 2.5 minutes. My opinion is that the ads are intrusive and I am no longer interested out of spite.

Did Roberto do a good job? He fixed the damn pipe. I was asleep, and handed my credit card to my spouse.

MY PROPOSAL:

WRITE SURVEYS WHERE THE QUESTIONS MAKE SENSE. Bad survey questions get bad survey answers. Right now, the option is making the surveys shorter and less relevant. Stop.

Consider these, with a grain of salt. Real questions, with useful answers. Packed efficiently, with metrics that can be answered together to shorten the questionnaire. You're mixing information anyway - mix it on purpose. No, they're not perfect - I'm not a marketing person. They're BETTER, and I am prepared to defend that.

For a game app:

What brought you to this game?

Ads
Search
Friends
Paid promotion
Other

How was the gameplay? Check all that apply.

It's fun
It's easy
It's boring
It's hard

Do you enjoy the story?

Yes, it's a good story
Yes, it's horrible in an engaging way
No, it's boring
No, it's actively traumatizing

Are the ads intrusive?

Yes, they physically prevent game play
Yes, they interrupt game play
No, they're just there
No, there are no ads

Does the shop contain products you are interested in buying?

Yes, and I buy them
Yes, but I have no money
No, there are products I want that aren't here
No, I don't buy mobile game products

What is your favorite part of this game?

Gameplay
Story
Prizes
Community
Something else

What is your least favorite part of this game?

Gameplay
Story
Prizes
Community
Something else

For a utility service, such as Indeed or QuickBooks:

Is this functioning as intended?

Yes, I can do what is required
Yes, but it could do more
No, it makes things difficult
No, I am not able to use this

Does the UI make sense?

Yes, I can find things
Yes, but things are harder than they should be
No, I am not able to find things

If you were in charge of the choice, would you use this?

Yes, I would use this, it is familiar
No, I would use something else
Why am I in charge? I don't understand the question.

Which feature is your favorite?

[multiple choice, customized]

Which feature is your least favorite?

[multiple choice, customized]

For brand recognition:

Do you recognize this product?

Yes, I've seen the ads
Yes, I have used it
Yes, I know of it from somewhere else
No, I don't know this product

What frequency of ads do you see of this product?

ALL THE TIME
Sometimes
Occasionally
Never

Are you interested in this product?

Yes, very
I would buy it if I saw it in real life
I would buy it if it was on sale
No, not really
I strongly dislike this product
NOT ANYMORE, but I was once

Have the ads changed your perception of this product in any way?

Yes, this is a familiar name I trust
Yes, I have seen the ads so much I am now avoiding it out of spite
I know this exists thanks to ads, I'll keep that in mind
No, I feel the same, positive
No, I feel the same, negative

If a direct competitor was shown, would you choose this product or the competitor?

I would buy the other product because it's cheaper
I would buy the other product because it's better
I would buy the other product because I have sworn an oath not to fund your intrusive advertising campaign
I would buy neither product because I don't need this
I would buy this product because it is cheaper
I would buy this product because it is better
I would buy this product because I know it and trust it

For a service:

Was the service completed adequately?

Yes, the service was completed
The service was completed but not the way I wanted
The service was delayed
The service was not and will not be completed

Was the service priced reasonably?

No. why is it that much
No, it was a little pricey
Yes, it was fine
Yes, it was an amazing price!

Did you buy any additional products or services based on recommendation?

Yes
No
[customized services]

Were those additional products or services acceptable?

Yes, acceptable
No, unacceptable
I got no additional services

Was your service fast?

This was amazingly fast
This took a reasonable amount of time
I was waiting for longer than I thought was necessary
There was a line, but my personal service was fine
This took a long enough time that I considered finding an alternative

How was the employee? check all that apply.

We made friends
They did a good job
They were rude
They did a bad job
We didn't talk much

Would you use this service again in the same circumstances?

Yes, I would prefer not to have these circumstances, but I'll be back if it happens
Yes, we will see each other again for routine services
No, I will use someone else if this happens again
No, I hate you and this was awful

IN CONCLUSION

There is a HEFTY DIFFERENCE between performance, satisfaction, usability, loyalty, and employee charisma. I know people don't have great reading comprehension. But please make some room for the ones that do; we hate your stupid surveys. There is good feedback in the world. Use it. Ask what you actually want to know.

People might actually ANSWER SURVEYS if the questions make sense and go away after being answered OR refused. Refusal SO OFTEN means "this question is stupid".

AND AS A FINAL NOTE

Stop criminalizing four stars.

Five stars is an exception. Same for a ten out of ten. There should not be CONSEQUENCES for employees rated four stars. Obviously, take ratings seriously, but be for real. Quit using them. Put secret stars in your surveys and quit giving humans that kind of power.

Anyways, CONTACT ME IF YOU WANT A SURVEY THAT SUCKS SLIGHTLY LESS