Ace's Guide to Goblin Poker

Supplies Needed

Cards. Doesn't really matter what kind of cards. A traditional Goblin Poker deck is made up of assorted cards that have been deemed unusable in their origin deck due to damage or print error; Ace's own deck, besides the show set of aces they are pictured with, is about 2/3rds of an UNO deck with water damage, an entire casino 52-card deck with the nines removed and three jokers added, the prettiest picture selections from a children's Go Fish deck, and several Magic: The Gathering cards gained from a playing deck dropped in a parking lot on a windy day. It is perfectly fine to play with any deck at all, temporarily repurposed; anything that can be shuffled and dealt. For advanced games, pocket-sized props may be employed, including sticky notes or index cards, small weapons, or three-dimensional pieces of other games.

Also, something to bet with is useful. Human money is fine if you insist, but shiny rocks or colorful candies are also fine.

Getting Started

The goal of Goblin Poker is to keep a poker face. The last to giggle, smile, grimace, or otherwise change face is the winner. Some casual games allow for sneezing during the game, but most professional groups consider sneezing a mulligan for the round; the bet returned as placed and the player out until the next hand.

Any moves that can be performed with cards in hand and without leaving the table are valid moves, but must be announced with a title. Titles can be made up on the spot, but masterful players will often use puns or misdirection. Turns move counterclockwise to begin, starting on the left of the dealer. Each player starts with 5-10 cards, and the deck is placed in the middle of the table. 2-5 cards are then placed face-up on the table, and considered to be accessible for use by all players. The same number of face-up cards should remain for the entirety of the game, turning a new card face-up when one is taken for any reason.

Moves and Plays

A turn consists of placing a bet, and making a move. Bets do not need to be higher than the rest of the table, only what the player is willing to lose. All bets become part of the pool, which the winner will gain at the end of the game.

Any moves that can be performed with cards in hand and without leaving the table are valid moves. The only universal is known as a "Flush!" and involves the goblin laying their cards face-up on the table, and then leaving the table for a bathroom break or additional snacks. If this happens in the middle of the game, it is called a flush, and that goblin's bet is forfeit to the pool.

Though creativity is encouraged, this is a non-exhaustive list of suggestions to attempt on a turn.

• Fold: Fold the card in half. Optionally, eat the card, or remove it from the game. Not recommended for smaller decks.


• Draw: Produce a pen or marker and modify one of the face-up cards on the table (or an index card or other blank shuffle-able item). Know your deck, dealer, and audience before attempting this; defacing another otherwise usable game is often frowned upon.


• Go Fish: Draw a new card from the deck or face-up selection


• Play a Card: Play a card as written (or with creative liberties) from its original game. Reverse the turn order, attack another player with a monster or spell, or dramatically read a text card; whatever you can find or think up from the card selection.


• Discard: Remove a card from play from hand or face-up table cards.


• Collectibles: Trade a card or cards with another player. Negotiations should include percieved card value for personal use or card content.


• Check, Mate: Ask to see a card from the deck or another player, or show a card in hand to the table.


• Touchdown! Frisbee-flip a card at another player. If you hit their deck, they have to take it.


• Editor's Note: Please contact me and submit any suggestions for this list! The more the merrier!

Winning the Game

A non-contestable winner is the last goblin maintaining a poker face, who walks away with the betting pool. However, circumstances arise, and a truce can be called where multiple players agree to split the pool, or declare a single winner by way of who has the best hand (voted on by the table, typically using quality of card content in either humor or art style as a metric).